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Courtesy of Andrea Hand Photography
Sarah Smiley with, clockwise, Ford, 11, Lindell, 5 and Owen, 9.
Sarah Smiley knew her husband’s deployment was going to be hard.
Dustin, a Navy pilot, would be gone in the Middle East for 13 months.
Smiley, 35, thought about the coming loneliness. When Dustin had previously deployed in 2001 and 2003, the couple’s first two sons were young, and Sarah contended only with her own sadness. Now Ford, Owen and Lindell, ages 11, 9 and 5, know what it means to miss their father.
Dustin’s absence would always be there, but Smiley knew that one daily activity would remind them more than others. “I knew from past deployments that dinner time is the worst,” she said. “It’s lonely because you don’t have all of your family. I remember those being sad times.”
Smiley, who is an author and syndicated columnist, came up with a novel idea: instead of face her husband’s empty chair at dinnertime, she decided to invite a guest to sit in his place once a week. And with that began "Dinner with the Smileys," a 52-week affair that will end when Dustin returns home in December.
The inaugural dinner at the family’s Bangor, Maine, home kicked off on Jan. 3 with a distinguished guest, Sen. Susan Collins (R-Maine). Ford invited her in a letter that read in part, “My mom is letting us invite one person to dinner each week our dad is gone. We are wondering if you would like to come to dinner some time this year (which is stretching it quite a bit but my mom insisted that we be flexible).”
Collins showed up to dinner with a plate of homemade brownies.
The senator has been the highest-profile guest to date, though Smiley says the White House contacted her earlier this year. Ford invited both the president and vice president. The Smileys would bend the rules of having only two guests, he said, and make room for the president’s wife and daughters if they wanted to come.
Courtesy Andrea Hand Photography
Lindell, 5, unwraps a brownie that his preschool teacher brought to dinner.
In May, retired Major League Baseball player Matt Stairs, who lives in Maine, will have dinner with the family. Smiley has invited the author Stephen King, a Maine native, to dine as well. The conductor who performed the Star Wars score live with the Boston Pops will join the family this Sunday, April 29.
Most of the guests, however, have not been famous. The Smileys have hosted the boys’ teachers, their minister and his wife, anchors from a local TV station, and, separately, Bangor’s mayor and chief of police.
Dinner No. 17, held on April 22, left the greatest impression on Smiley so far. The family was scheduled to eat with an elderly neighbor who had recently moved into an assisted living facility, but she passed away before the dinner. The boys decided they wanted to spend the evening at the facility and they ate with their friend’s neighbors, including a resident who has memory problems. The woman was accompanied by her husband, though she didn’t recall that they were married.
“That dinner was very rich because we were with a lot of people who were missing someone,” Smiley told msnbc.com. “It helps the kids to see there are a lot of people who are lonely.”
As of January 2011, there were 1.9 million children with a parent serving in the military; 220,000 of those children had a deployed parent.
Dr. Catherine Mogil, director of training at the FOCUS project, which provides family resiliency training at military installations across the U.S. and in Japan, says Smiley’s unique idea can help the family cope with Dustin’s deployment.
Mogil says Smiley's dinnertime ritual is a way of helping the boys keep track of time, which can be particularly hard for younger children. Marking the passage of time in weekly increments can be more manageable than ticking days off the calendar, Mogil says. She's known families that have created similar rituals, including a weekly ice cream outing. At home, the family will post a paper cut-out of an ice cream cone and add another scoop after each outing. At the end of the deployment, the returning parent puts a cherry on top.
The weekly dinner also strengthens the bonds the Smiley boys have with caring adults, Mogil says. “Making those connections is one of the big protective resilience factors. The more people that she invites that are in their community, she’s really strengthening their network.”
Though military families may feel adjusted to deployments, Commander Wanda Finch, a family and community program manager at the Defense Centers of Excellence for Psychological Health and Traumatic Brain Injury, says the strains of an absent parent are many. The constant worrying about a loved one's well-being can lead to anxiety, stress and depression. Families can cope with those feelings in a number of ways, including maintaining rituals and keeping in close contact with the deployed parent. That might include e-mailing and Skyping as well as leaving signed cards for birthdays or recordings of bedtime stories.
Courtesy Andrea Hand Photography
University of Maine Men's Hockey Coach Tim Whitehead, who joined the Smileys for dinner no. 7.
“It's an example of how family rituals can be embellished to provide ongoing support a parent may need to tap into in the absence of their spouse,” Finch said of the Smiley's dinner project.
For Sarah, that support has come in multiple forms. During her husband's previous deployments, she often felt isolated. Now she looks forward to the adult company once a week. When her basement recently flooded, some of the recent dinner guests rallied to help Smiley clean up the mess.
The dinners also give Dustin comfort. “It makes him feel his absence is more present,” Smiley said. “They know what our family is going through.”
The Smileys, who are documenting their dinners on Facebook, will hold a 53rd dinner when Dustin returns in December. She also plans to reunite all of her dinner guests at a gathering next year.
“I started to realize that [Dustin] was missing a lot,” Smiley said. “Once he gets settled, I’m going to have a big party here and invite all of our guests to come and meet him.”
Rebecca Ruiz is a reporter at msnbc.com and a 2011-2012 Rosalynn Carter Mental Health Journalism Fellow.
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I thought this was a pretty neat idea. Hope you enjoy.
Sarah Smiley, Mom of the Year!
Sarah,what a gift you are giving to your children. Thank you Dad for your gift of service to our country. Both should be very proud of each other.
I love this idea!!! How fun for the family while pops is away! Bravo Sarah Smiley. Lovin' her last name too!
Being the family member of someone serving in the Armed Forces can be hard. Five years on active duty were enough for me and my family.
It's wonderful and inspirational to hear this wonderful story and I hope it inspires others to develop creative ways to deal with these frequent separations.
.
This is a great story and a great tradition. It has also given the children the chance to meet a lot of interesting people as well as some average people from their community. In addition, it gives the mom an adult to talk to at dinner once a week which can really go a long way towards helping her mental health. It would be great if the Bidens or Obamas would accept the invitation. It would be an experience the kids would never forget to sit down to dinner with the president or vice president and their family. Around the holidays it would be great if they could invite a member of the military who is stationed in the area and can not get home to their family for the holiday. It would help them out greatly as well.
This guy should have made the mature decision to stop playing with planes in conflicts that no one needs and spend some time with his kids.
Lev, so only those who are not married with children should serve their country? As a Navy Pilot, he makes a decent salary (all pilots are officers), has excellent healthcare for both himself and his family, will have a retirement package when he does leave the service and no chance of being laid off in this god-awful economy. Not to mention the education benefits his children will be able to take advantage of when they reach college. In addition, when he does retire, if he so chooses, he will be able to pursue a career in aviation, which is a growing field that provides many wonderful benefits.
Should only single people with no children do other dangerous jobs as well, like firefighters, police, paramedics? Hell, even a long haul trucker could get into an accident. Lets make sure none of them have families either. That is the most asinine comment I've ever heard in my life.
So why should he make the "mature" decision to leave the Navy, when in fact, in today's economy, the military is one of the few places that can guarantee a paycheck to a family? I for one, am grateful to all who choose to serve.
jenn1354638--Thank you for your reasoned and cogent answer. Having been the wife of a career Army officer who served our country for 26 years (he flew helicopters in Vietnam, and commanded a tank battalion and a brigade in Germany), and now the mother-in-law of an Air Force A-10 pilot who has served in Iraq and Afghanistan, and continues to serve his country lo these past 12+ years, many, many military men and women who are deployed in a combat zone, deployed out of the U.S., or away from home for training, do spend as much time as possible when they are back home with their loved ones with their wives or husbands, and children, coaching their kids' sports teams, participating in Scout leadership, church youth group leadership, and just leisure, fun time with their kids. For Lev Tolstoy2--"real", committed servicemen and
sorry, computer didn't want to cooperate, continuing----- Lev: and women do NOT want war. They all train and work, often under difficult conditions, to be prepared in case of war or being ordered into combat or dangerous conditions. They serve our Commander-in-Chief and the citizens of the United States. Shame on you, Lev, for denigrating these people who, along with their families, make huge sacrifices for this country. Fortunately for you, all the services are voluntary...you're no longer made to serve in the military. If you do not agree with our service men and women being deployed to places such as Afghanistan, that certainly is your right. The people you disparage are the same people who protect that right for you. Disagree with the policies and politicians that cause them to be there, but IMHO it is right and just to support military people and their families.
I agree bd4679, it is a great idea :)
Truly inspiring....signed, just another Smiley
Absolutely fantastic!
Any invitation to dinner with such a family would be hard to turn down for anyone. If the President accepts, he should pull some strings and bring a suprise guest..., the father.
Oh brother! How contrived.
yeah, i felt the same feeling...I wanted to "feel good" about this story, but when the list was mostly about famous people, it just felt contrived for an author to have a good story to write about.
i must just be cynical, but this didnt feel like something for the kids as much as it was for the mom who could make some money on this deal down the road...
had this simply been about having family, friends, neighbors over for dinner...it would have felt less about the moms author ambitions and more about keeping a network for the kids to feel safe in, and a little less lonely.
You ARE cynical. If you've never had a deployed parent, you don't get to judge like that. Oh wait, its a free country that allows you to judge, BECAUSE of men and women in the military.
Michael and Jess, Come on folks just keep your $hit comments to yourselves. This is a good story and just because you have a nobody loves me life you had to bring it down.
Mike & Jessica,
You should really read the whole article.
Re: the story - Yayyyyy!!!
Re: M Sosa - bite me.
Well I liked it. I only made it half-way through before the tears started welling up, dammit.
A big softie? Me? Yeah. My dad is retired Navy and I always remember having to say good bye and crying my little eyes out. So if something like this helps and keeps them busy...by all means.
totally agree with Sosa...however I could understand those individuals that disagree....well
"Smiley, who is an author and syndicated columnist" ... "The Smileys, who are documenting Facebook" - she is part of the media machine...and the fact that a few famous people had come to dinner which makes the story even bigger...so I think Sosa was pointing the obvious
IMPORTANT: However, I believe the message is positive and will help military families, regardless of it being contrived.
Michael and Jessica, you two should consider marriage. I bet you'd make a miserable couple.
Sosa! You are a mean spirited Beaner!
I completely agree. I admit I have never had a deployed parent, but I have had a deployed spouse. had no children, but I know how hard it was on me alone; I can't even imagine how hard it is for a child. As proud as you are of a deployed family member, it does not make their absence any easier or lessen the worries you carry until they come home.
They won't listen. Every single person that bitches about these things conveniently ignores the fact that their freedom to complain is guaranteed by those they are complaining about. Fortunately, I live in a relatively small Southern town, and everyone here respects the military and their families. Or if they don't, they have enough sense to keep it to themselves.
What a great story! As an Army daughter myself I know how hard it is to grow up during deployments, and my dad was never gone 13 mths at a time! Anything you can do to help your kids helps them cope.
contrived
And you're right about our right to judge. I do it all the time.
What kind of pain do you have, to make you so mean? Whatever it is, I'm sorry for you.
M. Sosa,
Obviously, you think of yourself as the only one who can cast the first stone at anyone.
Don't bother replying. Since there's no category as "Worthless", I could only place you as "Ignored".
your missing the point... My dad served 27 years in the US navy and was gone a lot on deployment. Even when we lived overseas he was gone months at a time. My Mom had 3 boys to handle and this idea would have been great back then for her to cope with the deployments.
What a shock! Dustin's father, Phil, was my immediate supervisor when we served together on Guam. Dustin was just a little guy at the time. They were a nice family then and it looks like they are still a nice family. My best to Dustin and his present family, to Phil and all his family. May you have Fair Winds and Following Seas!
Sosa! I want to see your papers and drivers' license!
Not knocking a good thing but only three deployments in 11 years?! I deployed three times during the first three years of my oldest son's life and four more times before he was 9.
K Man, thanks for your service. As an old military brat myself, I feel for both you and your family for the multiple deployments in so short a period of time. My father was deployed three times in his entire 27 years of active duty and each was for 13 months at a time, things have surely changed since he was in the service. Now days, it does seem that our service members are being deployed more often, but for shorter periods of time. Either way, it is tough on those left behind and unfortunatelly, our military family members are not given the respect they deserve for what they have to deal with on a regular basis.
During my first five years aboard ship, we deployed to the Med twice and the Gulf once, not to mention numerous shorter deployments. The family is fortunate to have so few deployments, but as long as the deployments are, I'm sure they're still a big strain on the family.
Great to see other servicemembers responding here, too. Thanks to you all!
15 years in Uncle Sam's Canoe Club, 12 of them spent deployed overseas. I feel for this family.
My father served 22 years in the US Navy.
He never spent 13 months away..but there were a number of 6-month Med cruises.
USS Essex CV-9
USS Forrestal CVN-69
To all of you who have and are still serving...THANK YOU!!!
JimboBillyBob -- The USS Forrestal was CV-59 (I had a plastic model kit of it when I was a kid and remembered the number.) CVN-69 corresponds to the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower.
Jimbo! The forrestal was attacked during WW2 and nearly sunk! It was retire,if i'm correct, in the early 60's!
I believe number and length of deployments vary by MOS. I know a lot of EOD guys that pretty much stayed deployed after 9-11.
Also, in 11yrs time, he probably spent a few years on shore duty...
Mas098,
The Forrestal wasn't commissioned until late in 1955. The closes it came to "nearly sunk" was the fire in 1967 while on station in the Gulf of Tonkin off the coast of Vietnam. A zuni rocket accidentally fired from an F-4 and struck an A-4 getting ready to launch that was manned by John McCain. The resulting fire killed close to 150 personnel, injured about the same number and destroyed close to 24 aircraft.
The ship was decommissioned in 1993.
Good for you Kman, does he even know what you look like?
He didn't when I came home from the first two deployments. That was a pain worse than the separation from him and my wife during my time away. Having your wfe hand you your child and he's doing everything in his power to fend you off / pull away all while he's crying in absolute fear of this strange man his mom is trying to give him to. Missed first words, first smiles, first steps but that didn't compare.
I was in the Navy for a while and I saw alot of people in the same situation. I did not have a child then, but I do now and I do not think that I would have been Ok with that. Plus I could not stand that we were the worlds police. I have a lot a problems with people( politicians) sending other peoples kids to die. Thank you for your service though.
Former nuclear submarine officer here. I think this is a wonderful idea and unlike the couple of cynical comments in this thread, feel like Mrs. Smiley is doing all the right things. If she told her children they could invite anyone they wanted, and the kids are thankfully educated enough to include some public figures they admire along with teachers, neighbors, family and friends--there should be nothing to quibble about.
I deployed for 6-8 months at a time on fast attack submarines in the days of pre-internet snail mail and the occasional expensive phone call from some overseas port. It would have made me feel so much better for my wife and child to have had something to look forward to weekly to break the monotonous routine. Sure beats pulling a ring off the construction paper chain so many wives used to do with their kids to mark the weeks til Daddy comes home.
Bravo Zulu Mrs. Smiley!
This is one awesome family! Hats off to this and all military families. Being a military brat myself, I understand the selflessness it takes to endure such times. This article brought tears of joy, and pride to my eyes. God Bless those who serve. May you be blessed beyond belief.
What a great idea. I am humbled beyond words. These kids will be a success no matter what field they choose. Hats off to all veterans and those serving today!
I hope Mrs. Obama and Mrs. Biden attend one of these. Their focus on military families makes this a perfect match!
Yeah would be wonderful for campaign points!
Yes, Mrs. Obama might be able to squeeze the Smiley family in, between trips to Spain and Aspen.
I think that is an awesome idea! Yes, some of the invitations were to famous people, some were to people that were important figures in the boys' lives as well. They learned about people outside their family and at the same time had no empty chairs. There is nothing like a house full of chatter and laughter to take your mind off your worries and remove the sadness from your day...even if it is just for a couple of hours. Keep up the good work Mom!!
Very inspiring! Reading this just makes me happy... I hope for a safe return of her husband, Thank you for serving our country.. :)
Sooooo . . . it's a great idea, however she's a published author and syndicated column writer. How many of those guests (the famous ones) would have shown up if she was Jane Doe and not a famous author??! Just sayin' . . .
I'm with Michael on this one . . . contrived.
There's a difference between a published author and a famous author. Sorry to say I've never heard of her before now. Stephen King, JK Rowling, James Patterson, those are famous authors. Many public figures are appreciative of military families and I'm sure would have gone whether or not they heard of this woman previous to the request.
I dont really think shes famous... I know a couple published authors... They are far from famous. Just because you publish something, doesnt mean you are famous...
This is a great story! My husband is currently deployed (thankfully for a shorter period than 13 months). I don't have kids, unless you count my dogs (which I do). But I'm very proud of this fellow military spouse and her forethought and creativity. What a great way to get your kids involved in the community and learning about (some) public figures on a very personal level. I don't think they did it for the media attention and I think it's silly to blame people when they do get positive media attention. We all need a nice story once in a while.
They count. Want some of mine?
While I do tip my hat off to this mom for trying to make things as "normal" as possible for her kids the skeptic in me is thinking...there's thousands of parents every day doing what she's doing so what makes her so special that she gets a whole article written about her on msnbc. could it be her famous guest list?
As the wife of a sailor I can tell you we've seen way more than 3 deployments in the 12 years I've been married. My husband tends to deploy more regularly than Ms. Smiley's husband and there's been a few times where we have done back to back deployments...gone for 6 months, home for a month or a few weeks and then right back out again for another 6 or 7 months. He missed almost the entire first two years of my son's life and currently he is stationed over in Japan and my children are I are back stateside; we couldn't join him in Japan because of medical reasons and so our family has to be seperated now for at least 2 years. But this is his job and I support him in what he does. However it doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
Like I said, I tip my hat off to Ms. smiley for trying to do what she can to keep "normalcy" in her son's lives. She is obviously a strong woman, like any other military wife. I'm simply pointing out that there are thousands of us who go it alone every day...and for a lot more often than she does...and we do it quietly with no fanfare and no articles written about us on msnbc.
As a former Navy wife (20 years) with three boys I too know the challenges involved with this lifestyle. My husband was in before email and other current technololgies were available when waiting for a port call to get a phone call was necessary. (I would break the deployments into monthly inclements to help the time "appear" to be not so long.) Mrs. Smiley has come up with a wonderful idea that provides such a unique learning opportunity for her children. What saddens me is your response, bitter and negative, what happened to the Navy "family"? There was no need for that. You or your spouse made a choice to make the military your career.
I"m entitled to my opinion, and my opinion stands...that as wonderful as this idea is, the fact of the matter is that if she didn't have such a famous guest list msnbc wouldn't have given two hoots about her. And if she wasn't a writer and columnist and didn't have a media "in" she wouldn't have such a famous guest list. Goodness knows I can't just call my senator or the president and invite them to dinner. And my opinion stands that Mrs. Smiley may understand what it means to be a military wife, but she isn't living the reality that most of us are; for most of us, our husbands deploy a lot more frequently than every 8 years.
YOu can call it negative or bitter, but I call it like I see it. Mrs. Smiley isn't your average military wife who is living the reality that most of us are living, and my opinion stands that these dinners are more about her than her kids.
Chris,
Mrs. Smiley may have had contacts, or just her profession got her noticed, but her status as a Navy Wife, raising children, is no different than yours.
Knowing first-hand the hardships it takes, I would think you would be glad for her for at least drawing attention to the issue.
And admit it, if you had thought of doing this first, then we might be reading about you. All it takes is asking them to dinner.
Chris, I love it when people are called out for being bitter and negative and they claim they have "a right to my opinions!" No one said you didn't. This woman started this for herself and her kids. If I could guess who tipped off the media, I'd say it was the Congresswoman's PR person, but that's just a guess. My husband's deployed right now. Am I upset that I'm not getting an article written about me? Um, no. I didn't think of anything exciting, creative, and impressive to do while he was away. That's my fault, not the media's, and certainly not Mrs. Smiley's. I appreciate any story that calls attention to the strength of military families. I'm surprised that you see it in such a negative light. I'm not saying you don't have "a right" to do so. I'm just saying maybe you should see the good in things.
One way to find out. Why don't you ask and let us know?
This is a fantastic idea - after all, each week her boys have someone new for dinner. I also am the wife of a retired sailor, and of course the deployments are always hard. And Chris, anybody can do this, something I wish I had thought of myself. And you don't have to have a fancy guest list. BTW, Mrs. Smiley, Maine was our favorite duty station.
So invite some people to dinner!
I was so delighted to see Sarah`s story on MSNBC . I have followed it weekly in our hometown paper , the Bangor Daily News ! What a wonderful thing she is doing while her husband is away !
HOW CREATIVE, It is such a novel idea and i hope it catches on with other military families,
I remember when my husband an air force fighter pilot would go on a mission and be gone for months at a time, dinner time was always hard on the children, this is a great idea wish i had thought of it way back in the 80's good job Mrs Smiley
VIEW FROM THE NEST. you are an idiot, and so is Micheal, you should be ashamed of your selves contrived REALLY??????????????
One is only an idiot if he or she isn't factual. This is my OPINION. A variety of opinions should be welcomed on these type of forums. You, madam, are an idiot because you don't seem to get that.
I think that this is a terrific idea- how lucky that she's able to invite all these various people because of her writing career! My husband was in the Navy for 20 years & when he retired we sat down to try and figure out exactly how much of that was deployed v. in port time. We figured 17 years deployed total out of the 20, which included a 2 year stretch in California while the family was in Virginia. Deployments are really difficult for the kids - and he served before there was readily available email/skype/ facebook, etc. to help family members keep in touch the way they do now. I'm pleased to say my two boys managed to cope by writing weekly letters to their father, illustrated with drawings or photos. We sent care packages once a month with their father's favorite cookies,etc. He had left several cassettes of himself reading their favorite stories so they'd remember his voice. He was gone when they were born and missed most of their birthdays, our anniversaries, etc, but made it home for every Christmas - which was a real miracle. Any one who has a family member in the military knows that there are dozens of ways to cope with the separation, one just has to find the way that helps the best.
Pat, I'm honestly SO happy that your husband was able to be home for Christmas every year, when he spent that much time away. That really IS a miracle. One military wife to another- have a great day!
Great idea... and to the skeptics, I will allow for your apparent cynicism, but will submit that Ms. Smiley is doing this for her children first and foremost. She's trying to help them get through the deployments and I applaud her for that. Yes I know there are others in the same situation, but maybe if they take this as a suggestion to improve their own situation and help their own children, the military life might not be that difficult to endure.
I do what I can to help our veterans, but honestly, I never considered inviting the families of deployed over for a dinner or barbecue.... something to think about.
Definitely think about it! My husband started his first deployment a couple months ago. I was ASTONISHED at the kindness and support that came to me from all directions. It's very hard having our spouses gone for extended periods of time and we TRULY appreciate the love and support from our friends, families, and complete strangers.
What a beautiful idea. Think of all the great stories at that table!
As a former military member myself ... I applaud her for coming up with this idea. I know all too well how difficult it was for my wife and child to be home by themselves over my countless deployments. Shame on you people who are downplaying this ... you have obviously never experienced the heartbreak of leaving your child and getting deployed for months on end, if not more ....
This is a lovely idea. Well done!
This is awesome!